It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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