I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You made out with two different species that night
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
