You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
