i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
