apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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