mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
