im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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