Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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