Ambien. No doubt about it.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
