my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
