2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
