i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
