Someone shit on the floor
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
