Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
