I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
