not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
