I'm so fucking centered right now
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
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I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.