Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.