Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
