I feel like I'm in dance class right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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