Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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