i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
