I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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