i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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