I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
