I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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