I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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