yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
