This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
