I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
