Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
