yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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