i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
