I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
