Tell her she can't have a vagina
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
