i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
