Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
