Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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