scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
