Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
