So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
