Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
