I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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