i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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