textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
