I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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