what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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