Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
