____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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