I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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