I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Bring me that man meat
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
