Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
