My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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