remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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