Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
