You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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