Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
