I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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