Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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